Pip Gets Drunk
by Lucky Larue
Summary: What will happen...When Pip gets drunk? This is pretty bad. Rated for intoxication, language, riff raff, blah blah, blah...


Pip Gets Drunk  
  
_ _ _ _ _ _  
  
Pip went to the bar. Pip ordered a big mug of ail. Pip drank the ail, and then he ordered another one. Pip and Marry had had a fight, and Pip wasn't speaking to him. He came to the bar alone.  
  
Pippin drank and drank and he fell off his stool. He got back on his stool and ordered another ail.  
  
"Gimmeee...alother an..." slurred Pip.  
  
The bartender shrugged and began to pour Pip more ail. BUt suddenly, Gandalf was there. He put a hand on Pip's shoulder and Pip slowly turned his head to look at him. "I think you've had quite enough." Gandalf said, sternly. "Hey, back off old man...I can drunk as mich as I wanna..." slurred Pip, angrily shrugging Gandalf's hand away from his shoulder. "Now, see here, young man..." said Gandalf. The bartender was holding Pippin's glass of ale, uncertain.  
  
Pip climbed up ontop of his barstool and reached for the ail. He wrenched it out of the bartender's hand. "Give me that!" said Gandalf, ripping the glass of ail out of Pip's hand. "Give it back!" said Pippin, angrily.  
  
"No, you've had enough." said Gandalf. Pip started to thrash, flailing his fists in the air. "I want my beer sombitch!!" said Pip. He fell to the ground.  
  
"Oh, deer." said Gandalf. Pip had hit his head on the floor. "Ouuch." said Pippin, grabbing his head.  
  
"Come on, it's time to sober up. I'll splash some cold water on your face and get you some coffee." said Gandalf. He offered Pip a hand, but Pip slapped it away, roaring, "I DON'T WANT YOUR STINKIN' HELP, OLD MAN!!". He tried to roar it, anyway, but since he sounded like a squeeky girl it came out like a lady's high pitched scream.  
  
Gandalf put his hands on his hips. "Really, Took! You are behaving like a complete idiot!" said Gandalf. Pip sprang up and ignored Gandalf. He went over to the dartboard.  
  
"Aaahh, yheah! Now this is fun. Fun, fun..." said Pip, grabbing a dart and throwing it. It hit a woman in the behind and she came over and slapped him. "What the...?" said Pip. Pip shrugged, confused, and went back to the bar. "I can't serve you no more." said the bartender, looking nervously at the wizard. Pip fumed and then grabbed somebody else's ail. "Hey!" said the guy who's beer was stolen. Pip started chugging the ale down and he finished it all. "Aaahh, nobody can stop me!!" hissed Pip, wiping his mouth with his sleeve.  
  
Pip turned towards the room. "HEY!! LISTEN TO ME, EVERYBODY!!" shouted Pip. He started singing horribly. "Ring a dong Dillo! It's Pippin Bombadillo! Yohoho..." Pippin sang.  
  
"Stop this, you fool!" said Gandalf. Pippin kept singing nonsense and slurring his words. Finally after a few minutes, he stumbled into a stool and fell over it. He pulled himself up using the bar. "Hmm..." said Pip, his train of thought was lost. "I'm the king of the WORLD!!" he shouted. "I'm better than you, and you, and you!" said Pip, pointing at random people in the bar. People glared at him. "And I'm even better than you, Gandalf!" said Pip, turning towards Gandalf. Pip stuck out his tongue and blew obnoxiously at Gandalf.  
  
"You're hopeless! I'm going home!" said Gandalf, turning to leave. "Yheah, go home!" said Pip. Pip jumped up on the bar.  
  
"Get down from there!" said the bartender. But Pip laughed happily and then started to riverdance. "Get down, or I'll have you thrown outta here!" said the bartender.  
  
"Forget Lord of the Rings! I'm Lord of the Dance!! Hahaha..." said Pippin. He danced around the bar, knocking glasses over. The bartender was about to grab him off the bar when Pippin fell off and landed on some guy, knocking them both to the floor.  
  
"FOOL OF A TOOK!!" roared Gandalf, who was still in the bar. Just as the guy who Pip knocked over was about to slug Pip in the face, Gandalf raised his staff and zapped him aside. "I'll take care of this moron." said Gandalf to everybody. He pulled Pip up and lead him out of the bar.  
  
"What's googon? Duuude..." said Pip, confused as he stood outside, his eyes half shut. "Come on, you recklass hobbit. You've caused enough trouble for one night." said Gandalf. Gandalf started leading Pippin home. "YIPPEEE!!" cried Pip, suddenly bounding away from Gandalf and then leaping through someone's glass window.  
  
"HAHAHA!!" roared Pippin, standing up in someone's living room. It was Rosie, Sam's crush. Rosie looked up in shock. "Pippin?!" said Rosie. "Oohh, hello." said Pippin, still dazed.  
  
"What are you doing here?" said Rosie. Rosie had some weed, real weed, marijuana, in her hand. She was smoking it.  
  
"Don't know." said Pippin. "I've always liked you, Pip." said Rosie. She was totally stoned. "Hey, really?" said Pippin. "Come here." said Rosie. Pippin ran to her and tripped over her coffee table, falling head first into her lap. Rosie started giggling madly.  
  
"What do you think you're doing?!" said Gandalf, looking in through the window. "Heey!! Beat it, you old perv!" said Rosie. Pippin rolled onto the floor and threw up.  
  
"You intoxicated morons don't know what you're doing. Pippin, let's go!" snarled Gandalf, tired of this crap.  
  
"Rosie likes meee..." slurred Pip, climbing onto the couch.  
  
"Pippin, I am going to have you banned from the bar forever if you don't come out of there right this moment!!" Gandalf roared. "Whoah, that wizard means business!" said some guy. Gandalf turned around and saw that a couple of random hobbits who'd been walking down the street were watching everything. Gandalf turned on them. "Get out of here, or I'll make mashed potatoes of you and feed you to Gamgee, you losers!" Gandalf barked. The hobbits ran off.  
  
Gandalf raised his staff and pulled Pip towards the window through the air. Rosie's eyes went wide. "Coooollll..." she said.  
  
Gandalf struck Pip on the head with his staff. "Dumbass!! Let's go home." said Gandalf. Gandalf took grip of Pip's arm and lead him home.  
  
"You can't do this to me, olll man...I can drink whatever I wan drink..." said Pip, as Gandalf magically opened his door.  
  
"You drunkard. Fool of a took, go to bed, and tomorrow you can plan how you will apologize to me." said Gandalf. Pip put his hands on his hips. "Whooyou think you are boss me around!" said Pip. Gandalf blasted Pip into his house and magically sealed it so Pippin couldn't leave for the rest of the night.  
  
The next day...  
  
Pippin awoke in his bathtub and grabbed his head. He had a terrible headache, due to a hangover and the two lumps on his head, one lump from falling onto the floor at the bar and the other from Gandalf whacking him with his staff. Pip groaned and looked around.  
  
"Where am I? What happened? Oh, yheah..." said Pip. Pip swallowed and shook his head, feeling ashamed. He sighed and climbed out of the bathtub.  
  
"If only me and Merry hadn't had that stupid fight..." he said, sadly walking through his house. Suddenly, he heard someone pounding at his door.  
  
Pip grabbed his head. "Oooh, that bloody sound!" he said. Pip ran to his door. "I'm coming!" he cried. Pippin flung the door open. He wondered if it would be Merry.  
  
Sam stood there, glaring in rage. His sleeves were rolled up. He had a pot of daisies in his hand, but he didn't look friendly.  
  
"So, you son of a bitch. You got it on with my Rosie?" said Sam, raising the pot of daisies, threateningly. "What?" said Pip, startled. Then Pip decided he'd better close his door, but when he tried, Sam kicked it open.  
  
"I HEARD, all about it, this morning! Two blokes who were walking down the street said they saw you with your head in my Rosie's lap!! You know how I feel about here, what the hell business did you have moving in on here!!" roared Sam, barging into Pippin's house. Sam slammed Pippin's door behind him.  
  
"You don't undestand, Gamgee, I was drunk, really drunk...I, I'm sorry. But listen, nothing happened. Gandalf was there, ask him." said Pip. "Gandalf, huh? Well, I AM gonna ask him!" said Sam. Sam furiously stared at Pip, who looked uncomfortable. Finally, Sam started to chill out. "You really didn't do anything?" said Sam. "I swear! I don't even really like girls that much!" said Pip, raising his right hand in oath.  
  
"Well, that's what I thought, but...Well, I guess we're cool, then, Pip. I just really want Rosie for myself. I guess I don't have to beat your ass now." said Sam, relaxing. "Ooh, good." said Pippin, also relaxing.  
  
Suddenly, somebody else knocked on Pippin's door. Sam opened the door. It was Frodo. "Hello." said Sam. "Pippin! What the hell were you doing last night?!" shouted Frodo, furious. "Oh, no..." said Pippin, grimacing and putting a hand on his forehead.  
  
"Pip got all liquored up last night." said Sam, shaking his head scoldingly. "I know! The little *&^%er spray painted 'Hobo and Dildo live here' on me and Bilbo's house!" said Frodo. "What??" said Pippin. "I know it was you, one of my neighbor's saw you through her window! Pip, I'm gonna kill you!" said Frodo.  
  
"But...but I don't remember...oh, wait..." said Pip. Suddenly, he grabbed his face with both hands, like Macauly Caulkin. "Oh, my god! Now I remember the stuff I did earlier in the evening...First, I argued with Merry. Then I went home and pulled out all the liquor and drank it! Then I went over to your house and spray painted it, and then I went to Merry's house and I had another argument with him, and then I went to the bar." said Pippin, upset.  
  
"I holpe Merry told you what a jackass you were when you two were fighting, you fool." said Frodo.  
  
"Well, I don't remember, really...Actually, I can't remember what we started fighting about." said Pip, placing a hand on his chin as he tried to recall.  
  
Suddenly, Gandalf burst into the house. "Took." he said, gravely.  
  
"Oh, listen, Mr. Wizard, I'm so sorry for last night..." said Pippin. Gandalf took a deep breath. "Merry's dead. They found him with a broken liquor bottle stuck in his back this morning. Any idea how it got there, Pippin?" said Gandalf.  
  
"Oh, my God!! It's all come back to me now!! We were arguing...arguing about who could drink the most alcohol! We got into a drinking contest! We kept arguing about it, and we were shouting and shouting, and finally Merry told me to just get out of his house! I went home and drank all my own liquor, and then I went back with one of the bottles, and we were shouting, and then I smashed the bottle and then I murdered Merry! Then I went to the bar! Oh, my God!!" said Pip.  
  
"You're under arrest, Pip." said Gandalf, taking out a pair of handcuffs and putting them on Pip's hands behind his back. Gandalf started to lead Pip out of the house and to the jail.  
  
Pip looked disbelieving. "Oh, my God...Jail?! What?" said Pip, as Gandalf continued to lead him to jail.  
  
Frodo and Sam looked after Pip as he went. Frodo shook his head, sadly. "What a sad story. That's what you get when you drink." said Frodo. "That's right. Let it be a lesson to us all. There he goes. Pip's life, ruined." said Sam. "DON'T DRINK, EVERYBODY!!" Frodo yelled. "What should we do, now, Mr. Frodo?" said Sam. "I don't know. I guess we'll just go." said Frodo, and they left, shutting the door of Pip's house behind them.  
  
The end. 


End file.
